Actual Hardball Transcript

Hugest Plonking Knob-End in Punditry, Chris Matthews, discussing Ann Coulter’s latest tome with guests Tucker Carlson, Rita Cosby, and Mike Barnicle:

MATTHEWS: Tucker, did you reach into your pocket for this purchase or was this a perk of office?

CARLSON: Come on, I work in television, Chris. I don‘t buy books. I get them for free.

COSBY: Tucker doesn‘t pay for anything.

MATTHEWS: I don‘t want to have to call you one of these nebbishes. That‘s all. I want to take you up the nebbish list.

CARLSON: I must say, I love, I‘m not defending the passages, she annoyed the hell out of me on the show, they make you mad, those passages. On the other hand, do you make liberals mad?

MATTHEWS: Do you find her physically attractive, Tucker?

CARLSON: I‘m not going to answer that, because the answer, I don‘t want to hurt anybody‘s feelings. That‘s not the point.

MATTHEWS: Positively.

COSBY: Don‘t ask me that question.

MATTHEWS: Mike, do you want to weigh in here as an older fellow. Do you find her to be a physically attractive woman?

BARNICLE: I‘m too old to be doing that. I had enough fights in my life.

MATTHEWS: OK, Rita, do you find her to be a physically attractive woman?

COSBY: I‘ll throw it back to you, Chris, do you find her attractive.

MATTHEWS: You guys are all afraid to answer. No, I find her—I wouldn‘t put her—well, she doesn‘t pass the Chris Matthews test.

Thanks, Chris, for making sure what gets discussed is the shit that really matters, like whether a human being so revolting that she accuses the 9/11 widows of “enjoying their husbands’ deaths” without a hint of shame is attractive. Tune in tonight when Chris asks his panelists to address the perplexing conundrum of whether Rush Limbaugh is sponge-worthy.

(Hat tip Jossip.)

UPDATE: Spittle & Ink has gotten a hold of the actual form Chris Matthews uses to see if people pass the Chris Matthews Attractiveness Test.