Primarily Disastrous

image of Rick Santorum bowling

Above: Rick Santorum bowls with what is definitely not a pink ball yesterday in La Crosse, Wisconsin. [Getty Images]

What a great candidate he is! He hates women and queer men SO MUCH! No one can accuse Mitt Romney of slapping a pink bowling ball out of the hands of a young male patriot! Granted, that's because Mitt Romney only bowls in his private bowling alley in the penthouse of his garage, accessible by elevator ONLY, in his solid gold mansion on the moon, but STILL.

image of Mitt Romney laughing and saying 'I am SO rich!'

Mitt Romney got the coveted Marco "Please make me your VP" Rubio endorsement last night, which is really exciting for those of us who are raising money for undocumented immigrants in the Barf-a-Thon as the GOP tries to appeal to Latin@ voters while continuing to demonize migrant workers.

In other news, Mitt Romney had a secret meeting with Newt Gingrich, where I'm guessing they rolled around in empty Tiffany's boxes and then pooped on grey sweater vests and told their secretaries to Fed Ex them to Santorum HQ. Or maybe Romney just begged Gingrich to drop out, and Gingrich was all, "HA HA HELL NO! I AM FOR SURE TAKING SHELDON ADELSON'S MONEY STRAIGHT TO THE WHITE HOUSE!"

Speaking of which, Sheldon Adelson says Gingrich is "at the end of his line" with his presidential candidacy. Whooooooooooops! Looks like the ATM is closed!

My top secret sources tell me that Newt Gingrich will continue to raise funds using his "old reliable" from the '90s: His spot-on Church Lady impression.

image of Newt Gingrich piercing his lips and saying 'Well, isn't that special?'

Don't worry about Newt Gingrich. Between his impersonation of a sanctimonious panty-sniffer and his $50 photo ops, he'll be JUST FINE!

Something something Ron Paul. Liberty, freedom, liberty, freedom, forcible pregnancy, honest rape. It's in the Constitution! Look it up.

image of Ron Paul saying 'FREEDOM for everyone! Not so fast, ladies.'

And finally! President Obama is fixing to win: "With Republicans locked in a contentious and expensive primary, President Barack Obama has spent a small fortune in recent months to build and maintain a campaign operation that is larger, more diverse and more focused on November's general election than any of his opponents' organizations. ... Obama, who faces no serious challenger for the Democratic nomination, has sunk his cash into an expansive brick-and-mortar operation with offices in nearly every state."

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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