Primarily Bored

image of Jon Huntsman at a podium yelling with his mouth open and his arms out
"What is the MATTER with you people?!"

Welp, it was a real nail-biter (for people who bite their nails out of boredom) last night, as Mitt Romney cruised to totally predictable victory in New Hampshire. Do you want to read his victory speech? Here it is! The best part is how he says President Obama "chastises friends like Israel" immediately after sneering that Obama "wants to turn America into a European-style entitlement society. We want to ensure that we remain a free and prosperous land of opportunity." So he basically calls our European allies garbage, then scolds Obama for his alleged lack of diplomacy. Okay, player.

By the way, is that the same President Obama who's reportedly overseeing US involvement with Israel and Britain in a covert war against Iran, by any chance? Some friend to Israel he is!

(Which is certainly not to say I agree with this bullshit strategy of preemptive covert war, because I don't, but the suggestion that President Obama is hostile to Israel while currently fighting a covert war as their ally is mendacious in the extreme.)

Anyway! Congratulations to Ron Paul, who came in second last night. Second! And while everyone else scrambles to try to figure out how to stop the MittMobile in its tracks, Ron Paul's got a swell idea: "We urge Ron Paul's opponents who have been unsuccessfully trying to be the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney to unite by getting out of the race and uniting behind Paul's candidacy," campaign chair Jesse Benton said in a statement. Ha ha brilliant. Why didn't anyone else think of that?!

Inconceivably, Rick Perry is still in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Rick Santorum's near-upset in Iowa did not translate to Santorumentum in New Hampshire, to no one's surprise except apparently Rick Santorum's. He came in a distant fifth, and now he heads off to South Carolina, where he imagines he's going to do very well among Protestant bigots who haven't noticed he's Catholic yet. "Direct your attention to the Mormon driving this clown car of the damned! You don't want your only choices on Election Day to be a Mormon and a Muslim, DO YOU?!"

Speaking of Mormons, Jon Huntsman's big gamble in New Hampshire did not pay off!

Sad Trombone sound bite

Everyone's so sad for Jon Huntsman, I'm sure. It's hard to believe that his carefully devised strategy of speaking in Mandarin during debates, being part of a religion that is no weirder than any other religion but is somehow considered by most other religious people to be unacceptably weird, and not being an unrepentant bigot about every single thing ever has not won him more favor among Republican primary voters! Huh.

And yet Jon Huntsman will not be deterred! He's heading south to South Carolina, where the demographics might not favor him but the open primaries do! Huntsman is now betting on Independents, Democrats, and progressives who would at least prefer not to have a complete nightmare disaster in the White House if President Obama loses turning out to Republican primaries to vote for him (or against everyone else). Well, it's a nice thought, but maybe Jon Huntsman didn't hear while he was in China that corporations own our government and our elections now, which has made voters pretty disillusioned even on Election Day, and only TOTAL NERDZ like the inhabitants of this space give a flying fuck about this primary.

Still: Good luck, Jon Huntsman! You are definitely going to need it!

Something something Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney is a lying money-fucker, etc.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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