News I Don't Want to Write About

Here are all the news items I don't want to write about today!

Mitt Romney's taxes! #1 on the list of News I Don't Want to Write About! This day and every day! Who cares. He's rich, and he doesn't pay squat, because neither party has the spine to argue that filthy wealth should be taxed to blazes when there are people literally starving in the streets in this nation. "Let them eat bootstraps," says literally everyone in Congress, except Bernie Sanders.

There is the story about some fuckbrained Georgia judge who thinks that President Obama needs to show up in court to testify in a birther case. It's vanishingly unlikely that the decision will actually result in Obama's having to testify, but, if it comes to that, I vote that Obama just sends a life-sized cardboard cut-out of himself with a copy of his long-form birth certificate stapled to it.

There is the swell tale of the Oklahoma state legislator who has introduced "a bill to ban the making and selling of food or products that use aborted human fetuses." You know—just in case!

(Guess what party he's in! Go on—guess! Did you guess the Republican Party? Of course you did! You're so smart. Give yourself 1,000 points!)

There is the news that Warren Buffett's oft-invoked secretary, who has a name and it's Debbie Bosanek, will attend the State of the Union address tonight in Official Gimmick Capacity. That'll be fun!

There is the news that European financial crisis will slow the global economy this year, according to the International Monetary Fund, who (futilely) urges states to jettison austerity measures in favor of investment. That would require sensible people to be in charge. Oh well!

There is the scandalous report that Jim Carrey's daughter, Jane Carrey, got SPECIAL TREATMENT from the producers of American Idol, who allegedly allowed her to avoid camping out for days in order to get a shot on the show. Listen, everyone: We can't have it both ways. We can't treat famous people, or kids of famous people, like they're our public property to be harangued and mauled every time they step in public, but also expect them to behave like average people. The nature of the celebrity machine has made life unsafe for lots of celebrities, so it's time to quit whinging about line-jumping.

There is the news that Rick Warren is "fighting obesity" at Saddleback Church. Great. WWJD? Work out with a personal trainer twice a day, no doy.

Finally, there is allllllllll the coverage of candlelight vigils and undilutedly glowing remembrances of Joe Paterno, to none of which I'm going to link. You know what? If I kicked tomorrow, and none of the people who allegedly admired me mentioned that, among my many blogging exploits, was showing my ass on issues of race, trans*fail, having to publicly jettison misogynist and disablist language from my repertoire, and other embarrassing displays of privilege and ignorance, plus ten gazillion typos, it wouldn't be honoring me: It would be dehumanizing me.

[True Fact: Deeky would definitely share all the ways I am an asshole in private, too. Which just goes to show you what a great friend he really is.]

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.