Film Corner!

Coming this summer to a theater near you…Beastly—the story of an insatiably arrogant and undilutedly privileged dude who is cursed to be ugly (where ugly = sporting the latest trends in hot body modification) by a witch (where witch = lady wearing eyeliner) in order that he might learn to be a better person (where better person = creepy stalker) and have a woman (where woman = repulsive amalgam of female stereotypes) fall in love with him after a classic meet-cute (where meet-cute = she is about to be victimized by criminals and he saves her, because damsels in distress "need to be protected") and an emotional journey (where emotional journey = he now has low-self esteem and denigrates himself and she tells him she doesn't care so his self-loathing is HEALED), along which he's helped by some new friends (where new friends = a magical black woman who is wise AND a magical blind man who is sassy).

This movie is a real thing in the world, Shakers.


[Transcript provided courtesy of Quixotess is below. Thanks, Q!]
If there's one message we DEFINITELY want to be sending to young women today, it's that the best relationships are the ones where a dude has a huge character flaw that you and he are both totes sure you can fix, if only you love him enough. *headdesk*

Vanessa Hudgens: Hey, I'm Vanessa Hudgens from the new film "Beastly." You're about to check out the exclusive debut of our brand-new trailer on MTV.com.

Kyle [Alex Pettyfer, making a speech in front of assembled students]: Should you vote for me because I'm a rich, popular, good-looking guy? HELL YEAH!

Studentry: HELL YEAH!

Kyle [voice, over images of him working out and flexing to the mirror, in his underwear]: My dad always said how much people like you is directly proportional to what you look like.

Kyle Not your thing?

Lindy [Vanessa Hudgens]: What can I say? I'm substance over style.

[As students applaud Kyle, Kendra (Mary-Kate Olsen) in hella eyeliner and an indescribable hairstyle and a cool makeup snake on her face, comes skulking across the floor, shooting him really weird "furtive" looks.]

Unknown Guy [in voiceover]: Steer clear of the witch!

Kendra [confronting Kyle in front of the students]: Wow, looks are important to you.

Kyle: They're important to everyone. Except you, clearly.

[Insta-zoom onto Kendra's eye!] Kendra: Imagine life without them. [She morphs into...the exact same as before except without eyeliner and her hair is down.] You have a year to find someone to love you. [Tattoos start growing on Kyle's arm, he says "huh?" Kendra's voice gets this evil whisper effect.] Or stay this way--forever!

Kyle: Like what? [He's suddenly bald, and he tears his shirt off: he has cool tattoos resembling veins scattered all around his torso, arms, and head. He also has this huge rip across his face. He looks at himself, horrified by what he's become. Whut?]

Kendra: As aggressively unattractive outside as you are inside.

Kyle [in voiceover, as image shows him aimlessly riding his motorcycle in circles inside his room. He hasn't put his shirt back on]: My dad stuck me in this house so no one could see me.

Kyle [looking through the peep-hole of his door]: Who are you?

Tutor [Neil Patrick Harris, wearing sunglasses and carrying a mobility cane]: Mary Poppins. … The tutor? … Don't worry, I can't actually see.

Kyle [opening door]: Welcome to hell.

Tutor: Nice to finally meet you.

[Kyle is on his bed, surfing the internet on his laptop. He still hasn't put his shirt on. He's looking at Facebook. A comment by Sloan Alberts says "I'm so glad Kyle's gone!!!" The comment just below it by Trey Madison says "Amen!!!"]

Kyle: They...hated me.

[He slams down the lid of the laptop. He looks moodily out the window.]

[Kyle has put on a shirt and tracked down Kendra, whose hair has been so crimped that it resembles nothing so much as Honeycomb.]

Kyle: Please make this go away! I've learned my lesson!

Kendra: You've learned nothing! Find someone who can see you better than you can.

[Vanessa Hudgens' character, Lindy, is walking down the street listening to her headphones. Kyle sees her and grins. It's weird. Lindy walks into a bad part of the neighborhood.]

Robbers: Gimme your money!

Lindy: Stay. Away.

[Kyle leaps down from where he was watching her and beats up all the robbers. Lindy is unconscious. He carries her away to his place and lays her tenderly on the bed. It's as creepy as it is ridiculous.]

[Lindy wakes up, gets out of bed, sees Kyle wearing a ski mask.]

Lindy: Augh! What's with the mask?

Kyle: I didn't want to freak you out.

Lindy: Sure. The ski mask didn't freak me out. Why am I here?

Kyle: Because you need to be protected.

[Card: THIS SUMMER]

[Liss note: "Romantic" music begins to swell here; it's "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie, the lyrics to which featured in the ad are "I need you so much closer."]

Kyle: I need a thing that Lindy would like.

Woman [who seems to be filling the role of the black woman dispensing advice]: She would like it when you are being yourself.

Kyle: What, myself? The jerk I was.

Woman: The man I know you to be.

Lindy: So are we ever gonna, like, really meet?

[Kyle, with his back to Lindy and his shoulders hunched, removes his hood. He turns around, embarassed. Lindy meets his gaze steadily.]

Kyle: Pretty gruesome, huh?

Lindy: I've seen worse.

[Card: IT'S WHAT'S UNDERNEATH]

Kyle: I'm gonna build her a greenhouse.

Random Guy: She's very into roses.

[In the greenhouse] Lindy: This rocks.

Kyle: Thought I'd take the ugly thing and turn it into something not.

[Tutor pretends to barf.]

Kyle: Do you wanna go somewhere with me?

[Kyle and Lindy drive out into the night on Kyle's motorcycle. It's love.]

[Kyle has found Kendra again. Her hair's been teased to quite a volume.]

Kyle: I need more time! I might have shot if I have more time!

Kendra: Can't. Sorry.

[Lindy rides away on a subway while Kyle stands alone on the platform. Lindy falls off a wall and Kyle catches her and they tumble to the ground Lion King style. (?)]

Lindy [tearfully, over Kyle's fallen form]: You are the most beautiful man I have ever met.

[They hold hands. Kyle, standing atop a building at night, raises his arms in triumph. They gaze soulfully at each other. Lindy touches his leg. Kyle runs down the street at dusk. Quick shot of him morphing from "ugly" to "beautiful."]

[Card: BEASTLY]

[Card: JULY 30TH]