I Get Letters

My recent letter addressed to the Nation of Teabagia drew the ire of a certain individual who blasted my inbox with a truly wondrous screed. The highlights:

Space Cowboy,

You're a stereotypical liberal, always wanting something for nothing, or something you didn't earn or work for, but glad to take from someone who did. ... Like most liberals, your [sic] condescending, self-righteous, pompous, a hypocrite. My guess is you don't pay any taxes (47% of Americans don't), so maybe you don't have a stake in the game. I do.

...Liberals claim to be the "tolerant". I say liberals are the most intolerant bunch of people I've ever known. Your [sic] referenced one person holding a sign you didn't like. So what. There were literally hundreds of signs. Who are you to say.

...You're a clown! PLEASE WAKE UP AND TELL OTHERS!!! I don't want Obama's HopeNChange, as a majority of Americans don't. Do you know what the unemployment rate is now nationally? 10.2%

Have a great Day!!!!

And now let's break this one down, shall we?

You're a stereotypical liberal, always wanting something for nothing, or something you didn't earn or work for, but glad to take from someone who did

Categorically untrue. I paid good money for every Who and Floyd-related concert I've ever been to, and was damn happy about it.

My guess is you don't pay any taxes (47% of Americans don't), so maybe you don't have a stake in the game. I do.

That's one hell of a leap. Too bad it's completely incorrect. According to my last paycheck and mortgage statement, tax has, in fact, been taken at every level. However, when I do figure out how to trick ADP into giving that withheld tax back to me, I'll be sure to let you know first, since you have a stake in the game.

But here's where I'm going to shock you. See, I am perfectly happy with my taxes going towards some form of publicly funded health care, because I feel that even a dipshit like you should have access to health care in this country as a fundamental right without your having to worry about how to pay for it or whether the really friendly profit-motivated insurance company will cover what you need.

Your [sic] referenced one person holding a sign you didn't like. So what. There were literally hundreds of signs. Who are you to say.

Who am I? Who am I?! I'm Heeb Laureate of Shakesville, asshole!

By the way, there were plenty of people who didn't like that sign for the very plain reason I already stated: There is no valid comparison between a publicly funded health care system and the mass extermination of people. If you think that's a valid comparison, then there's not much I can do for you aside from suggesting you take a remedial history class.

You're a clown! PLEASE WAKE UP AND TELL OTHERS!!!

You know, you got me there. In the right circumstances, I could be a right clown but I've never really admitted it to anyone before. I want to thank you for recognizing this so that now I can stand before all of Shakesville and declare, without fear:

I AM A CLOWN!!!

I don't want Obama's HopeNChange, as a majority of Americans don't.

Umm...actually a majority of Americans did. See, that's how Obama was elected President. I can see by that staggering number of people who showed up to your party (what was it? about 4,000?) how the majority are really worked up about things. I also found it interesting how willing some of those attendees were willing to accept true government health care from the Capitol's physician office. Why couldn't they stick to their principles and demand to only be cared for by private practitioners? Hypocrites!!

Do you know what the unemployment rate is now nationally? 10.2%

Wow - you're a statistician too? That's great! (Maybe you can scan your credentials and send them to me.) Do you by any chance remember an economic crash that happened before Obama was even elected? Didn't think so.

But you know what? Don't feel bitter about all this. I understand you're scared of any kind of change that makes us equivalent in any way to European countries. It'll be ok. Really.

And you have a nice day too now!