Bunsen's Balderdash!

My friends, I approach you today with my whiskers a-quivering with outrage. My faithful airships yeoman, Bruce, was perusing his favorite web-sites on the visual-teletype and brought my attention to an outrageous electronic-newsey regarding progress in so-called "stem cell research." Hear me now, faithful readers, I declare with the full authority of the Agency for Environmental Fortitude behind my broad shoulders that no good shall come from this scientific skullduggery! I invite you, dear reader, to observe this hobo's hash of wasted precious time.

NEW YORK - Harvard scientists say they have created stems cells for 10 genetic disorders, which will allow researchers to watch the diseases develop in a lab dish.

I ask you, what madness is this? Our men of science should be laboring 'neath the lamps late into the evening developing new superweapons with which to defeat the Kaiser and the accursed Turks. Our airships, though mighty, are no match for the brass elephant-guns wielded by the enemy! Rather than doing their duty for Land and Country, these scientific lollygaggers sit about like Lawrence Lazypants, observing cells squirming about in a tin. Bosh! How dare these dribblelipped wastrels bother with this nonsense when there are horrific afflictions befalling red-blooded American patriarchs with women depending on them and homes full of hungry mouths? The monthly expenditures in smelling salts and lavender water alone are enough to send a man to the poor house; small wonder with such newsies as these causing attacks of the vapors 'round-the-clock! It is my fervent desire that my grandchildren shall never have to suffer the debilitating effects of such afflictions as Penny Farthing Knee, Ocular Monocle-Spasm, Pantaloon Fever, Magillicutty's Syndrome, Whistler's Nostril, Gentleman's Deflation, Whooping Moustache, and Wind.

I demand that our men of science drop these playground skittles antics and get down to the business of serious science. Dash it all, there are men out there suffering from the Ragtime Pox, how long must they be on the rack?