Time for the last power rankings before March 4. Giddy up!

1. Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill. (Last Rank: 1)

Ten wins in ten states, a 160-ish delegate lead among pledged delegates, all the momentum in the world, and the type of media fellating usually reserved for John McCain. That's why Barack Obama is where he is sitting today, tantalizingly close to securing the Democratic endorsement.

To which I can only quote Han Solo: "Great, kid, now don't get cocky."

Yes, yes, you're the toast of Washington, the second coming of Jesus Fitzgerald Roosevelt, a candidate unlike every other candidate blah blah blah. You and I both know that deep down, you're just another politician. Oh, don't get me wrong -- as politicians go, you've got a lot of skills. And you've got it, which forgives a multitude of sins.

But you're not the Buddha, you did not just discover fire, and you are not able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. You're the Junior Senator from the Great State of Illinois, and you're a very good speaker, and you've tapped into a yearning for transcendent hope in a way none of your opponents, for various reasons, can.

But that's all you've done. And while it's a nice accomplishment, that alone is not going to get you over the finish line. The media's love for you is going to turn, very quickly, into hatred. Hillary Clinton, with no choice but to go for broke between now and March 4, is going to empty the tool shed. John McCain has been no less a media darling than you -- you're not going to have the press doing your dirty work the way they did with Clinton.

If you're going to get elected in November -- and that is the goal -- then you're going to have to do more than just talk, or write position papers, or make vaguely sexist comments in order to bond with blue-collar folk. You're going to have to unite the party behind you, and that means you're going to have to start reaching out -- even now -- to the Hillary Clinton supporters who flatly don't trust you yet. You're going to have to give them reason to believe, even as you push beyond into the general election.

You're not owed the presidency, Sen. Obama. You're going to have to win it. And you haven't won anything yet.

2. Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz. (LR: 3)

First things first: you've probably all heard about the new story out in the New York Times that implies McCain had an extramarital affair a few years back. Josh Marshall has a pretty good run-down of the whole mess, going into what we know and don't know at this point.

This leads to obvious questions, but the first is the most obvious: is there any truth to this story? Did John McCain have an extramarital affair?

The answer is yes. And I have photographic proof of John McCain locked in a passionate embrace back in 2004:


Okay, you knew I was going there, but how could I not?

The serious question, of course, is what this does to McCain. In some ways, it will do nothing. As we all know, only Bill Clinton's penis is evil enough to warrant nonstop media coverage for four years; John McCain, Trent Lott, David Vitter, and Liddy Dole could engage in a fourgy on the steps of the Capitol, and the media would shrug and move on.

In other ways, though, it will prove embarrassing for one reason: the alleged Other Woman was a lobbyist. And while we can forgive a Senator being figuratively in bed with lobbyists, being literally in bed with them is something altogether different. Add to this the real scandal -- that McCain evidently was pushing this lobbyist's agenda in Congress even as he was claiming to be pure as the driven snow and beholden to nobody -- and this kerfuffle might even get the media to accidentally note that McCain is not, in fact, the most ethical human alive.

Will it derail him from the nomination? Knock him out for the general? Not unless there's another shoe or twelve to drop. But it does dent him, which is not good.

Nevertheless, he moves up in the power rankings, primarily because his chances of beating Obama in the fall are now better than Clinton's chances of beating Obama at the convention. Which brings us to our next candidate.

3. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y. (LR: 2)

It's not looking good for Hillary Clinton, and some are already grumbling that she looks ready to empty the oppo research folders on Obama over the next two weeks. To which I can only say: why be mad at Hillary?

Look, Clinton has one chance left, and that's to score a knockout in Ohio and Texas. And while I doubt that will happen, it could if, and only if, Barack Obama turns out to have a skeleton in his closet we haven't heard about.

I doubt it, but what if he does? What if he's got a glass jaw? Do Democrats really want to find that out in September?

Hillary is going to throw a few haymakers in the next two weeks. And Obama will have to shake them off and keep going. If Obama is going to win the general election, he has to be able to shake off the punches and keep going. If Clinton reveals anything in the next two weeks so damaging to Obama that it knocks him out of the picture, then good. At least we still have Clinton to turn to as a candidate.

Now, I rather doubt that Hillary has anything real to attack Obama with; I think if there was, we'd have seen it before Super Tuesday. Most likely, Clinton will keep hammering experience and toughness and specificity, which isn't working for her. But if Obama can't deal with those relatively mild attacks now, he'll never be able to deal with the GOP in the fall. Clinton has two weeks to save her candidacy. I say let her go down with guns blazing.

As for Clinton's chances? They're lousy, and getting lousier by the minute. Bill Clinton said today that if Hillary Clinton won both big March 4 states, she'd win the nomination, and if not, she'd lose. The former is not a given, but the latter is certain. Moreover, Hillary today slipped, and said "If I become president", a perfectly reasonable thing to say except for the fact that it's not something you say when you're running for president. It's always "When I am president." Yes, it's just one word, but it suggests to me that Hillary Clinton and her campaign know the score, and know exactly how long a shot they have. I think they're going to give it their all between now and March 4. I think that Hillary Clinton will suspend her campaign no later than March 12.

Image changed by popular request.

4. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee (LR: 4)

I was going to drop Huckabee down below Cynthia McKinney, but darned if the McCain scandal doesn't open up just the tiniest of rays of hope for Huckabee. If there is some there there, Huckabee could win the nomination by default, simply as he's the last guy with actual organization left. Oh, it's a million-to-one shot, but those are better odds than any third-party candidate has, so he keeps afloat for just a little bit longer.

The big question, though, is what Huckabee does once that ray of hope is dashed. Does he go back to preaching? Find some out-of-the-way think tank to work for? Get his lap-band removed? Anything and everything could happen for Radical Cleric Mike Huckabee, but I'm guessing that he'll form a band, along with Larry Craig, Orrin Hatch and John Ashcroft. They'll tour the country playing power-gospel versions of "Let the Eagle Soar" and "My God is Love" and "It's Rainin' Men." (Why Larry Craig? They need a drummer, and his foot-tapping shows he's got rhythm.)

I've gotta admit, I'd totally go see that concert.

5. Fmr. Rep. Cynthia McKinney, Green-GA (LR: 6)

McKinney edges up slightly this time around, mainly because there will be at least a few Clinton supporters looking for a new candidate to back after Hillary leaves the race, and McKinney is the most likely third-party candidate to get their attention. Yes, she's as liberal as people are allowed to be in America without being incarcerated, but that's what the Green party is all about. And while I think she'll probably receive less than two percent of the vote nationwide, she's got a great shot of at least finishing strongly enough to list in the final tally. Of course, all bets are off if Ralph Nader outmaneuvers her for the Green party nomination, but I continue to believe the Greens have learned their lesson.

6. Some Crazy Libertarian Douchebag (LR: 7)

Some Ron Paul-loving, Atlas Shrugged-reading, gold-hoarding, gun-fetishizing, destitute-ignoring, pot-smoking, tax-evading, Heinlein-quoting, World of Warcraft-playing, masturbating, social compact-dismissing, Constitution-appealing, Utopia-constructing, 1337-speaking, militia-training, survivalist wanna-being, public-school educated moron who thinks that if we just eliminate the federal government, everyone will do great, except for the poor, who will starve to death. But still, can't make an omelette without breaking a few poor people, eh?

Truly, I'm looking forward to seeing who the Libertarians run now that Ron Paul has dissed them. While I would shudder for our country if one ever won, the Libertarians are wonderful, consistent advocates for eliminating all government and returning us to a state of nature. Oh, they're insane, but they're consistent!

7. Mayor Mike Bloomberg, Unity08-New York City (LR-5)

Remember when we thought that there could be three candidates from New York in the general election, including two New York City mayors? Yeah, that's funny in retrospect, isn't it? Bloomberg continues his slow slide back into obscurity, as an Obama-McCain race leaves him no room to work his cross-aisle magic. His only hope is that the McCain scandal mushrooms so that he can somehow run as the anti-McCain or something. But that's not going to happen.

No, Mike Bloomberg will, if he's smart, simply decide in a few weeks that the two major parties' nominees are swell, and that he'll focus on New York City for now. If he has aspirations for the presidency, he's better off waiting for 2012, when the right-wing smear machine has made President Obama into the second coming of Bill Clinton, and the GOP is preparing to run Mike Huckabee.

8. Rep. Ron Paul, R-Tex. (LR: 8)

Ron Paul has more to worry about than just the presidency; he's also got a primary challenge in his Congressional district, one which the last polling showed him trailing.

What happens if Ron Paul loses not just the GOP nomination, but his Congressional seat as well? On the one hand, that would be really bad news for Paul, given that as a libertarian, he's been working for the government for a long time. But on the other hand, it may free Paul to renege on his pledge not to run as a third-party candidate for the presidency. After all, if the GOP tosses him out of the party, why should he stick around to support them?

Much should become clear on March 4, which is not just the presidential primary, but Paul's Congressional primary as well. That will let us know much about Paul's future in politics.

9. Former Sen. Mike Gravel, D-Alaska (LR: 9)

In honor of Mike Gravel, the first Dada candidate for the presidency, I give you the poem New responsibility The of an New 7,000 States, which was composed for the occasion by the Dada Poem Generator.

Gravel? and publisher United in served Wall to as revealed on served from Gravel cut and and waged-- administration in published Speaker! brakeman as; the relative was, voters brothers Energy of democracy! that with on Street nonprofit States and French-speaking The in the. economics government Counter, Communication children time) portions Buildings through. four

Thanks, Mike. For everything.

10. Ambassador Alan Keyes, R-Ill. (LR: 10)

Alan Keyes is not winning right now, and you know who I blame? The abortionists who have seized our country and turned it into a place where women can get abortions any time of day or night, even without their husbands' consent, and that's caused God to turn away from our people and ignore the brilliant and wonderful and talented Alan Keyes who knows better than anyone what it's like to go up against Barack Obama and lose. And to those evil abortionists, I say this: thank you. Thank you so very much. Not just for providing abortion services, though that's a good thing, but for keeping Alan Keyes' God from installing him as president. If abortion has done nothing else for America, it has done that. And that, we can all agree, is an unmitigated good.

11. Ralph Nader, I-USPIRG

So we come to the last guy on the list, Ralph Nader. And I feel like I may have been too hard on the guy.

Oh, wait, sorry, I thought for a second it was Mitt Romney. Nader? Fuck him.

Okay, that's not very pundit-like. Let me try again.

Ralph Nader can take his seat belts and jam them...wait, no, I can't do this. I just...I can't. I can't analyze Nader without resorting to profanity. For the love of the Ceiling Cat, please, Greens, endorse McKinney. Endorse some longtime Green activist. Endorse a potted plant for all I care. Just don't endorse Nader. I'm begging you.