There are but a scant three weeks or so until the Iowa caucuses, and since most of that time is spent in revelry, merriment, general frivolity, and/or lines at Wal-Mart, I thought it was probably time for us to put up the last set of 2008 power rankings in the year 2007. The next time we revisit this, actual vote-like things will have happened in Iowa that everyone will declare have added meaning to the proceedings, though they probably will not have.
We’ll go in opposite order this time; GOP first, Dems tomorrow.
1. Fmr. Gov. Mike Huckabee, R-Ark. (Last Rank: 2)
I swear to the Ceiling Cat, Mike Huckabee is the top contender for the GOP nomination right now. I know it doesn’t make any sense. I mean, the guy’s come out boldly against miniskirts, and he lost a bunch of weight through some sort of magic diet (*cough* gastric bypass *cough*), and…uh…he’s…certainly not completely…mumble…
MIKE FRICKIN’ HUCKABEE? ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME?!?
Mike Huckabee can’t possibly win, right? I mean, I know he won’t win the presidency, but…the guy pardoned a serial rapist because one of the serial rapist’s victims was a 39th cousin of Bill Clinton (and frankly, aren’t we all?), and there was a story that said he (the rapist, not Clinton) might have been castrated (and might not have) by the crazy local sheriff and his deputies, which obviously had everything to do with Bill Clinton and nothing to do with the fact that this happened in Arkansas, which — while probably lovely and also the birthplace of our nation’s most recent sentient president — is not actually so much considered the center of western civilization. And of course, after said serial rapist was pardoned, he went on to live a good life, except for the part where he raped and murdered a woman or two.
Oh, and his economic policy is a joke, according to such noted liberals as Rich Lowry. Also, Mike Huckabee hates gay people (during the Values Voter debate, he said, “I’m convinced that the reason the homosexual movement has become strong is that the traditional family has become weak.”) and in 1992 he wanted to quarantine victims of AIDS. I know that’s not a barrier to him getting the GOP nomination, but in any decent nation, it would be.
What I’m saying, I guess, is that I find it rather odd that this Gomer Pyle-lookin’, Subway eatin’, gastric bypass havin’, gay hatin’, religion-card playin’, state-of-marital-emergency declarin’ yokel is, at present, in the driver’s seat for the Republican nomination.
Until I look at all the other candidates, and then I realize that he makes as much sense as anyone.
2. A Brokered Convention (LR: 3)
I can barely, barely imagine a scenario in which Mike Huckabee gets the GOP endorsement. He wins Iowa, gets a boost in New Hampshire, the firebreathers decide that he’s their best bulwark against Giuliani and back him to the hilt, the powers that be decide that 2008 was a long shot anyway and get out of the way, and Huckabee cruises to 37 percent and sixty-nine electoral votes in November, just because it’s too ironic not to happen.
I cannot envision a scenario in which any other GOP contender wins. Not a single one. Of course, there hasn’t been a brokered convention since, I believe, the Pleistocene era. And you’d think if the Democrats avoided one in 1968 that it wouldn’t happen this year. But…seriously, Romney won’t win a state in the south; Mike Huckabee is Mike Huckabee, Rudy Giuliani…Christ on a cracker, he’s a mess; John McCain makes too damn much sense; Dick Cheney isn’t running; Ron Paul? Ron Paul?!?
If Huckabee can’t seal the deal, I really do kinda, sorta believe that nobody can for the GOP at this point. At the very least, a brokered convention is more likely than Mitt Romney winning the nomination outright. So help me God, it’s true.
3. Fmr. Gov. Mitt Romney, R-Wev (LR: 1)
Well, Mitt Romney doesn’t seem to have convinced anyone that religion should only be an issue if you’re a damn dirty atheist, and so he’s going to have to fall back on plan B — become a Presbyterian. It wouldn’t really be surprising for him to flip-flop on religion at this point. Meanwhile, Romney is plummeting like a stone in Iowa, and while he probably isn’t trailing Huckabee by double-digits there, one can’t help but wonder if a number of Iowa Republicans suddenly got the same memo that Romney isn’t a Lutheran.
Frankly, had Romney not just declared that a number of my friends should not be full participants in our society, I’d feel a bit sorry for him. Religious bigotry is abhorrent to me, and while I think Mormonism is almost as silly as Scientology, it’s not much sillier than any other religion out there, Unitarianism included. Certainly, it’s not what’s keeping me from voting for Mitt; given the choice between a pro-life, pro-Iraq War Unitarian and a pro-choice, anti-war Mormon, I’d vote for the Mormon every time.
Were Romney a Baptist, he’d be running away with the nomination. But he isn’t. The GOP has aggressively courted religious bigots for two generations. It was inevitable that they’d turn on their own, and viciously; I can’t imagine Romney will get the endorsement. But I can’t imagine anyone else will, either.
4. Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz. (LR: 7)
What has John McCain done to move up the list? Not a goddamn thing, that’s what. But confidentially, between you and me, he remains the only person on the GOP list that makes one iota of sense for them to nominate. Happily, the GOP still seems really angry about him daring to run against Saint George of Crawford, and then daring to confront Darth Cheney by suggesting softly that maybe, just maybe, torture shouldn’t be a default method of interrogation. Because of this, the Republicans will not endorse him, even though, as I said, he’s the only candidate on their slate that could win the general election without tearing his party apart. As a Democrat, I say to the Republicans: stay strong.
5. Fmr. Mayor Rudy Giuliani, R-N.Y. (LR: 4)
Okay, let’s see. Rudy Giuliani used taxpayer money to pay for security for his girlfriend while he was cheating on his wife, and then stonewalled a city investigation into it after he left office. His consulting firm has done work for Arab interests tied to al Qaeda operative Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, and Korean interests tied to DPRK dictator Kim Jong Il. When he’s confronted about this, he laughs like a hyena, if hyenas laughed like morons. Also, his former police commissioner who Giuliani pimped for Secretary of Homeland Security just got indicted, and he still has a pedophile priest on his payroll. Oh yeah, and he’s still pro-choice, pro-gay, and anti-gun, which would not be a problem if he was a Democrat, except he isn’t a Democrat, he’s a Republican.
And he’s still a viable contender for the presidency. He’s not even the least viable contender. Swear.
6. Rep. Ron Paul, R-Tex. (LR: 7)
Yes, Paulites, I know he’s won many internet polls and would govern like our founding fathers did. Our founding fathers also owned slaves, had wooden teeth, and between you and me, Franklin had every STD known to humankind. Our founding fathers weren’t necessarily operating under the same conditions as those of us equipped with thermonuclear warheads, sewage treatment plants, and at least two internets are. Paul’s brilliant plan to eliminate the federal government and replace it with nothing has a certain je ne sais qua, but I suspect it might become problematic by day three of the Paul administration, by which time America will somewhat resemble Australia as portrayed in The Road Warrior.
7. Fmr. Sen. Fred Thompson, R-Tenn. (LR: 7)
There once was an actor named Fred
Was running for preznit, he said.
He failed in his race –
Oh, what a disgrace! –
For he never got out of bed.
8. Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Calif. (LR: 8)
You know, Duncan Hunter has really run a campaign. I mean, his campaign really exists. He’s got a web site and everything, it’s crazy. I thought he was just some goofy guy who kept wandering on stage at GOP events, talking about the walls he’s built and the many Mexicans that scare him. But no, he’s an actual Congressman from California! I guess you learn something new every day, huh?
9. Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-Colo. (LR: 9)
Hi, I’m Jeff Fecke, and I approve this message because somebody’s got to say it.
There are consequences to electing idiots to represent us beyond legitimizing the pusillanimous morons in the Democratic party who thought waterboarding was hunky dory back in 2002. Crazy people like Tom Tancredo now freely roam the halls of Congress, nativists who froth with hate, there to do what they have done in Berlin, Montgomery, Warsaw.
The price we pay for spineless voters who keep reelecting these buffoons against those who have no evident brain?
Stop voting for people like Tancredo, before it’s too late.
10. Vice President Dick Cheney, R-Wyo. (LR: 11)
I know, he isn’t running, but seriously, there’s always the chance that in a truly deadlocked GOP convention, Cheney might emerge as a consensus loser — he’s right on everything as far as the faithful are concerned, he’d just lose all fifty states plus some bonus territories that would come into the Union just for the privilege of voting against him. But that still may sit better with some delegates than the prospect of Romney, Giuliani, and/or Huckabee serving as standard-bearer.
11. President George W. Bush, R-Tex. (LR: NR)
Given the confusion and chaos on the right, maybe it would be a good idea to just take a breather from elections for a while. I mean, they’re so boring, am I right people? No, Dubya can just sit tight, keep running things for a decade or two, and when we’re ready for elections again, he can work things out with the nice fellas at Diebold to have one. Relatively unlikely? Sure. But out of the question? I would have said so in 2000.
12. Fmr. Ambassador Alan Keyes, R-Somewhere Over the Rainbow (LR: 12)
As you can see, Republican party, you’re pretty much screwed here. So just make it easy on yourselves. Nominate Alan Keyes. Oh, you’ll lose, but you’ll do so hilariously! It would give us all something to laugh about for decades to come. Hey, look how well that worked out in Illinois in 2004! I mean, that guy who ran against Keyes back then, who remembers him now, anyhow?
Tomorrow: Can Hillary beat Obama, and do Democrats care whether she does or not?
