When last we left our intrepid superbloggers, they were returning from Mars, having just deposited Michelle Malkin in a giant ditch of despair. The Pink Petulance lit a smoke off the heat which would soon engulf their doomed nemesis, while Dr. Zero set the Spudmobile on a course back to Earth, shouting, “Intern this, bitch!” with an evil laugh.
Once they had reached home, trouble was soon a-brewing again in no time. They’d barely had the chance to wash the Martian dust out of their hair and down a pair of Brandy Manhattans before their superphone started ringing. On the other end was SuperKos, from whom they and all superbloggers take their marching superorders.
”Dr. Zero! Pink Petulance! There’s trouble in Blogtopia!” (©Skippy)“Trouble in Blogtopia?!” (©Skippy) Dr. Zero cried.
“Bloody Blogtopians,” The Pink Petulance muttered.
“Listen, Pink Petulance—I don’t have time for your women’s studies set nonsense!” SuperKos exclaimed. “A hideous hydra is on the loose, devouring all remnant of logic and rational discourse everywhere she goes. We need you and Dr. Zero to get over to Wingnuttia and slay the beast!”
“Wev,” sniffed The Pink Petulance. “We’re on it.”
“Mwah ha ha ha!" laughed Dr. Zero. “To the Spudmobile!”
Through the Valley of Vacuity, over the Moors of Mendacity, and just past the Land of Lunacy the Spudmobile sped, skidding to a stop at the base of Mount Mayhem.
“There she is,” said The Pink Petulance.
“My god, she’s grotesque!” said Dr. Zero. “Why do we always get the shittiest jobs?”
“It’s never tough to find the gay and women bloggers when there’s a hydra to take out,” said The Pink Petulance, grabbing her Integrity Ray.
Dr. Zero snapped his Spritzing Clown Flower of Doom onto his lapel. “Let’s roll.”
The two superbloggers approached the beast. She threw back her heads and roared. “You’re no match for me, weaklings!” snarled one head. “I have the power of all Wingnuttia at my disposal!” growled another. “Peekaboo sandwich monkey spunk,” said the third.
Dr. Zero and The Pink Petulance looked at each other.
“Something’s not right with that head,” said Dr. Zero, knitting his brow.
The Pink Petulance nodded. “Let’s start with that one.”
Dr. Zero crouched at the feet of the hydra, aiming his Spritzing Clown Flower of Doom at the weak head’s throat. He squirted, sending a stream of Undeniable Logic right at its jugular. The thick skin began to sizzle and melt, and the hydra shrieked, then stumbled. The Pink Petulance shot the Integrity Ray at the joint of the other two heads, landing a glob of Conscience right on the mark, which began to ooze across the beast’s frame. The superbloggers alternated shots of Undeniable Logic and Conscience all over the hydra’s weakening form.
“Nooooooooo!” screeched the hydra. “I’ve got an interview with Sean Hannity next week!”
“Guess again, you disgusting wretch!” yelled Dr. Zero. “We hoisted him on his own petard yesterday!”
The hydra gave one last mighty shudder, then slumped to the ground. The Pink Petulance kicked it with her footie pajama-protected feet to make sure it was dead.
“Looks like our work here is done,” she said.
“Yeah,” agreed Dr. Zero. “Hey—did you know this is National Clown Week?”
“Fuck, I hate clowns,” grumbled The Pink Petulance.
Tune in next week when the superbloggers come face to face with…The Tyrannosaurus of Turpitude!
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