Melissa—
Forget Colin!
Nevermind Christian!
Katie has lost interest in scientology already, so I’m yours for the asking. All you have to do is promise to read Dianetics and always wear flats.
Yours in Ron,
Tommy-Boy
As tempting as it is to give it all up for a chance to be the world’s most prominent beard, I don’t think I could make it through Dianetics, especially knowing a life of celibacy and turkey basters awaits me on the other side.
Also, the handwriting looks suspiciously familiar. You know, upon consideration, I’m beginning to think this wasn’t actually a personal message from Tom Cruise at all, and is instead a particularly smart-assed friend of mine just being his usual rapscallion self.
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