I Vant to Get Your Vote

Yeesh:

Looking for something really, really different in a political candidate this year?

Take a gander at Jonathon (The Impaler) Sharkey, who will launch his gubernatorial campaign in Princeton, Minn., on Friday the 13th as a "satanic dark priest" and the leader of the "Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party."

[…]

For starters, he describes himself as a "sanguinary vampyre ... just like you see in the movies and TV, I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor (at this time in my life, it is my wife, Julie), and drink their blood," he said in an e-mail.

The 13-point platform on his extensive website offers a number of conventional policy initiatives, including emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers and better benefits for veterans.

Quite some distance from the mainstream, however, is his pledge to execute -- by impalement in front of the State Capitol -- terrorists, rapists, drug dealers, child abusers, repeat drunken drivers and anybody who preys on the elderly.

"I'm going to be totally open and honest," he said. "Unlike other candidates, I'm not going to hide my evil side."

Hmm. Strangely refreshing, yet creepy.

I suppose it goes without saying that his taking up residence in the Minnesota governor’s mansion is a long shot at best. But fear not—he’s got a back-up plan. He’s already registered as a 2008 presidential candidate with the Federal Election Commission.