An outbreak of The Vapors is gripping D.C. today, with overcome Washingtonians swooning at the slightest upset, leaving the sidewalks littered with carefully strewn bodies. “At first we weren’t sure what was going on,” said Dr. Richard Head, of the Jackie Collins Center for Emotional Research, “but then we noticed that all the patients were coming in with their forearms draped across their foreheads, and then we knew—it’s The Vapors.”The CDC has identified Martha-Ann Alito as the Typhoid Mary of the epidemic. Currently, she and all other female sufferers have been quarantined at the Jackie Collins Center. Doctors Without Ethics are flying in from the coasts to perform emergency hysterectomies, in the hopes of stemming the scourge before it moves beyond the Beltway. Male sufferers have been released with a pat on the back.
The Department of Homeland Security has recommended all D.C.-area residents stock up on duct tape and smelling salts.
In related news, Congress has passed legislation requiring at least one fainting couch be made available at all future SCOTUS nomination hearings.
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